I was going to write about how I think that everyone needs therapy, literally everyone...but I decided that was too melodramatic for tonight.
My favorite part of a roller coaster is the very top right before you fly screaming over the edge. I like the tension and anticipation of the moment. Without the stress of the moment, the soaring over the hill would be worthless. Anticipation. Tension. Stress. Impatience. A tiny bit of fear...healthy fear.
I feel like my family, the boys and Justin, my immediate family, my in-laws, my church family, you name it... is on the verge of a very big change.
The top of the roller coaster, type of changes.
And I am...Anxious. Wound too tight. Biting my nails. Growing impatient. Trying to keep my cool and trust God.
I know that I am needing spiritual growth. I think He is waiting for me to do the growing and then He will dish out the changes.
How to grow? Eat Exercise and Rest...Thanks Brian...
Read my Bible and gee...remember what I read 10 minutes later.
How about utilizing some of the things that I have learned in the past 3 years!
Finally, I need to start taking some time to chill out and rest...not watch TV or play Guitar Hero...I need to do something that actually makes me feel lighter...play with the kids and Justin...I actually think that literally exercising would make me feel a lot better and rest more effectively....
I wonder where God will put us...What are His plans for our little family...Lord, please give Justin direction tonight...Justin...please pray.
I must be more disciplined! So, off of the computer and to the reading I must go!
Justin and I put up the Christmas tree on Saturday night. When I brought Oliver downstairs on Sunday morning, he just stared at the tree for a few seconds and then..."WOW!" he says. I almost fell over! He is entirely too cute for his own good.
Sidenote: Thanks so much for the compliments on the photos...but I must give the props to Mrs. Sara Bishir! She was working that camera for all it was worth!
As we were laying in bed, I had plenty of time to think. I thought about lots of things. Nights when I could sleep undisturbed by a baby. My boys. My friend, Annie, and her situation. My family, mainly Andrew and McKenzie. Christmas and shopping. My dream house. My dream body. My dream studio. Art. My old life...
My old life...that is a small statement. Yet, it is such a big piece of who I am.
I thought back to college mostly. What a fun time in my life. I didn't party, if that is what you are thinking. I thought back to days where all I did or had to do was simply make art. Man, did I ever have it made.
I didn't realize it then.
Then, it hit me. I do have a pretty nice life now. All I have to do is play with my boys all day. Sure there are dishes and laundry and dinner and baths...Someday, I will miss these things.
I am sure that I am not the only mom that misses being the "old me."
Something happens when you have kids. I am not just me anymore. I doubt I ever will be again. And I honestly don't know that I want to be just me again. I was rather selfish.
So, for today...I am going to enjoy the life that God has given me to live...really enjoy it.
Goodbye computer...Hello Crayola!
All the rest of you moms out there...go PLAY! These days will be gone before we know it...
The ghosts and goblins were out in full force tonight! We had a lovely little Halloween. I am realizing just how fast time goes. It just seems like yesterday, that Oliver had his first Halloween...it's crazy I tell ya...
We went on a church trip this past weekend. We went to the Children's Museum and the Castleton Mall. We had a blast! Oliver loved the Children's Museum. We also went to Build-A-Bear. He made a monkey and Liam made a triceratops.
It was an amazing thing watching Oliver with other kids his age and older. It was hard to watch him get picked on. I never wanted to hurt little kids. But I did that day. Motherly instincts? Or being overprotective? Either way, I was ready to throw down...
It was bittersweet. He is so big and time has gone so fast. It made me happy to see him growing up. But it made me sad to think that he is not my baby anymore.
But Liam is all baby. I had him in Snugli all day. He was a good baby.
Our hotel room was nice. I could have lived there. There was also a gift basket from our pastor's wife. It was such a nice surprise!
We went to a different church and I felt like the pastor was talking directly to me. It was awesome to see God prepare for us, when we had no clue what He was doing.
All in all, an excellent weekend. Exhausting and Excellent.
I just wish that my pastor and his family could have enjoyed it also. Rather than working and stressing out...
P.S. Oliver was slightly freightened of the dinosaurs. As you can tell by the last photo...
So much for 30 days straight. I swear, I have zero self-discipline!
I am reading a really good book right now. "I Dare You" by William H Danforth. It is good. Read it if you can.
"I Dare You, young mother, to make your life a masterpiece upon which that little family of yours can build. Strong women bring forth strong men." W.H. Danforth
Think about just how huge the responsibility of raising children actually is. We are molding the future with our children. I think I have really downplayed my value as a mother. I always feel like I sold out. Took the typical road. Gave up my dreams and settled for reality. Not the case. Being a mother is the most difficult thing that I have ever done. I want to be the very best mother that I can be. As an artist, time will come. My life is long. There are phases. I will continue to make art, while inspiring my children to do the same. Create. If not art, then something. Raising my boys will be my lifelong task, that will become my lifelong masterpiece.
Okay...I have been thinking about divorce. (Not for myself...if he wants out, he will have to kill me...)
What constitutes getting a divorce? If a woman does not keep her house to the standard that her husband holds for her, does he have the right? If a man does not earn the income that a woman insists is necessary for her satisfaction with life, does that give her the right? If a man is not satisfied intimately by his partner, does that give him the right? If a woman is not satisfied with the level of communication between her and her partner, does that give her the right?
It is easy to blame shift. "I would not have been looking if they would have satisfied my needs in the first place." "I was pushed to misery and frustration and had to find a release, so I did this..." Does someone else doing wrong, make it okay for the partner to do wrong?
Perhaps we should try to COMMUNICATE. If you are unhappy with something. Talk about it, openly and honestly. Don't sugarcoat things. Be raw and real.
I know a couple that are possibly facing that situation. Divorce is huge. It played a larger role in my childhood than I give it credit for. It scars people and does things and causes pain that can't be undone. It should not be a decision made on a whim. It should not happen. But if it does, make sure that you have exhausted every single avenue of possible solutions first. The grass always looks greener on the other side. But that grass might have issues that are unseen to the naked eye.
My point here...THINK about it first. TRY everything under the sun to fix the marriage. REMEMBER why you married the person in the first place. FOCUS on the positive attributes of that person, not the negative. You made a VOW to GOD and you shouldn't take that lightly. And if there are kids...don't be selfish. LOVE does what is best for THE ONE LOVED. Wake up and open your eyes. What you are doing is REAL.
I am sitting here trying to think of something profound to write down...
...I am not a woman of wisdom apparently.
So, I will just give a rundown of my night. We ate out with Justin's family. And we ate GOOD! His parents took us out to West Point Steakhouse. mmmmmm steak... Oliver likes catfish also. I was sitting at the table just watching all of us. I realized how lucky we are to have a family like this. Lucky and blessed. Needless to say, I ate entirely too much. But it was good. After dinner my mother-in-law had to go to the ER. Oliver had poked her in the eye and it was still hurting. Yep, she has an abrasion on her eye and has to keep salve and a patch on it. Way to go my son. Injuring his grandparents already. It was a busy night.
Today, the boys slept in until 9:30! Rock On! So I am feeling well rested and ready for the day.
Okay, the pity party is over. I was just so "full" of stuff, I had to puke it somewhere, to someone... So my faithful few, you were the lucky ones that had to listen to me...Thanks to everyone that sent me helpful words of encouragement. I truly needed and appreciated them...
Once I finally quit feeling sorry for myself, I cleaned my house and my mom helped me re-arrange my living room on her lunch break. I like that. My room and my mom helping me. Moms are pretty awesome aren't they...I finished most of the things on my list. A rather productive day all in all. Yet, here I sit, still feeling, "full" and empty at the same time. Emotionally overflowing and mentally empty. Just empty.
To my husband, that I know will be reading this while he is at work, I miss you...I do. I really miss you. I know that this isn't the right place or time to tell you all of this... but I miss you. I miss the way you were just holding me close while we watched tv tonight. I miss talking in our own language. You haven't done that in a while. I miss sleeping in your arms. I miss the way you always steal all the blankets but the sheet. I miss conversations in the car to and from Terre Haute. I miss talking until we fell asleep. I miss the sound of your laugh. I miss wrestling with you, even though I would always heel you in the thigh. I even miss you trying to lick my nostrils...I never thought I would miss that. I miss doing laundry at the Courtesy, when it was "us". I miss the little wrinkles around your eyes when you smile. I miss.................. you.
Trying to cheer myself up today. The Bible commands us to Rejoice! and I can't muster up a smile today. I just feel guilty and ashamed of myself...
I found out last night that my husband has been feeling really stretched. He has worked like 110 hours in 15 days. And he has helped me out around the house. I have no excuses. I should keep my house better. I should have dinner ready. I should be there to help him out. I am the help mate! Shoulda Coulda Woulda... I WILL. Do better.
I also talked a friend of mine into getting her hair cut. The stylist did a crummy job and now, she is unhappy. I feel like I pushed or pressured her into it. And now, she will be feeling down for a while until she gets used to it or it grows back. I just wish I would have kept my big trap shut.
I am really struggling today. Please Lord, if you are reading my blog today... :) Give me what I need to make today, what you intended it to be for me. If I am supposed to be feeling this way, just show me what I need to do to fix these issues. I don't want Justin to be unhappy. I never meant to make Annie do something she was uncomfortable with doing. I feel like a failure today. An F- for me... my cat is throwing up, I must go...
I want to make Liam a football costume for Halloween. Any ideas on how to do this? This is my best idea... Please help...I am really unsure how to figure out measurements. Ideas...I need ideas!!! Tips!!! Hints!!!
A gal pal of mine really made my night last night. She is without a doubt one of the most thoughtful people that I know. She surprised with me with a bag of goodies for my family. And a photo album that I had been wanting SO bad!
I realized that there aren't enough people like her in the world. So, today, try to do something nice for someone else. just because.
Nothing like getting off to a rotten start! Man! I can't or wait yes I can believe it. Let's see...Today Justin and I took a much needed trip to Lafayette without the kids. AAAHHHH...I love my boys, but man-o-mighty did I need a break. I have to get over the guilt that I feel whenever I leave them though. It stinks and tends to ruin the day. Carolyn, my sis-in-law, came home this weekend from ISU. So we have been hanging out with her a bit. She is great. Oliver has yet another ear infection and it is making life cranky for both of us. What else? Oh, I know I left a chicken breast in the microwave to thaw out. I forgot about it for 2 days... and my kitchen smelled like a dead animal this morning. GROSS! Other than that, I should be doing my dishes right now. But alas, I procrastinate yet again! Adios.
Well, I checked out a friend of mine's blog and liked how often she posted. So, I am going to give it whirl. I am going to try to blog everyday for a month. We'll see. I will probably end up fizzling out. Typical...
Question, for anyone that reads this...all 3 of you. I am trying to find a better way to have my devotions. I tried just old school reading my Bible. But, I know that after a day or two, I am getting nothing and just doing it to say that I did it. Maybe this is a heart problem. I tried listening to Demoss... but there are only a few audio posts available. So, suggestions on an audio version of devotions?
I am addicted. To coupons. To CVS. It haunts my dreams. But I love it. I think I annoy the "non-pons" as I refer to them. (Those people that don't coupon...) (and my husband) Because I like to talk about the deals! It is like a game to me... How much stuff for how little money...challenging.
This is a very random post. That is how my mind functions I suppose. I want to put a picture up. So I am including the photo of a siberian baby weighing 17lbs and 1 oz. Thank goodness for my 7 lb babies.
Fun in the house...mommy had to get glasses. Oliver likes them too. Liam and I hanging out. Just some pics to share. Better go, Oliver is on the phone and Liam is crying. Oh by the way, Liam rolled over yesterday and Oliver said "cat."
...when he finds out that I put these pictures on here....
I went to the $.50 bag sale day at our local thrift store this week. It is something I look forward to... I Love My Bag Sales! I scored a few finds for myself, the kids, my mom, and my crazy husband and brother. I stumbled upon 2 wrestling outfits. Remember A.C. Slater?! Saved by the Bell?!! I knew these would be a hit! Boy was I right. Justin put his on under his clothes and we went to my mom's house and he stripped down in the kitchen and began to wrestle my brother! My husband , for those of you who don't know him, is a quiet and laid back guy and rarely draws attention to himself. That is why the following is even more hilarious. So, my brother puts on his wrestling uniform, which turned out to be a women's aerobic jumpsuit. Then Justin gets the bike and Brandon (brother) on a skateboard and they take off around the block. I love my husband, but they both look slightly moronic in these outfits. To top it off they go through the drive-thru at McDonalds with these on. The guy at the window had to take off his microphone and walk away because he was laughing so hard. It was a fun day...
So, lately I have been rather consumed with mundane "mommy" tasks. Diapers, dishes, laundry...you get the picture. Justin and I have been doing a lot of planning for our future. Finances, family, home, jobs... It has become so very apparent to me that I want to go back to school. I want to get my masters... so bad. I was so spoiled when I was in school. I really took the entire experience for granted. The "mommy" tasks are keeping my mind off of the fact that I am not making art or craft at the moment. But it is like a tiny ticking time bomb. I know it is going to obliterate everything when it finally can't keep quiet any longer. I am not trying to play down the importance of my role as a mother. And I value this time with my boys more than I can relay in a blog post. But I do have this overwhelming urge/need to make art. I did it everyday for nearly 5 years. Now, zip zilche nada. I do think it is important for mom's to keep something of their former selves prior to becoming "mommy"... I have to figure out a way to incorporate this into my life. Suggestions? Balance is so tricky.
A friend of mine posted her goals and I think I will be doing the same eventually. Anyway, here are some photos of the boys. Hope all is well out in blogland.